The Importance of Being Earnest: A Trivial Comedy for Serious People

								
The Importance of Being Earnest

A Trivial Comedy for Serious People

THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY

John Worthing, J.P.
Algernon Moncrieff
Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.
Merriman, Butler
Lane, Manservant
Lady Bracknell
Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax
Cecily Cardew
Miss Prism, Governess

THE SCENES OF THE PLAY

ACT I. Algernon Moncrieff’s Flat in Half-Moon Street, W.

ACT II. The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton.

ACT III. Drawing-Room at the Manor House, Woolton.

TIME: The Present.

LONDON: ST. JAMES’S THEATRE

Lessee and Manager: Mr. George Alexander

February 14th, 1895

* * * * *

John Worthing, J.P.: Mr. George Alexander.
Algernon Moncrieff: Mr. Allen Aynesworth.
Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.: Mr. H. H. Vincent.
Merriman: Mr. Frank Dyall.
Lane: Mr. F. Kinsey Peile.
Lady Bracknell: Miss Rose Leclercq.
Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax: Miss Irene Vanbrugh.
Cecily Cardew: Miss Evelyn Millard.
Miss Prism: Mrs. George Canninge.




FIRST ACT


SCENE

Morning-room in Algernon’s flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is
luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is heard
in the adjoining room.

[Lane is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has
ceased, Algernon enters.]

ALGERNON.
Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?

LANE.
I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir.

ALGERNON.
I’m sorry for that, for your sake. I don’t play accurately—any one can
play accurately—but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the
piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life.

LANE.
Yes, sir.

ALGERNON.
And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber
sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?

LANE.
Yes, sir. [Hands them on a salver.]

ALGERNON.
[Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.] Oh! . . . by the
way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord
Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of
champagne are entered as having been consumed.

LANE.
Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.

ALGERNON.
Why is it that at a bachelor’s establishment the servants invariably
drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.

LANE.
I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often
observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a
first-rate brand.

ALGERNON.
Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralising as that?

LANE.
I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little
experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married
once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and
a young person.

ALGERNON.
[Languidly.] I don’t know that I am much interested in your family
life, Lane.

LANE.
No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it
myself.

ALGERNON.
Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you.

LANE.
Thank you, sir. [Lane goes out.]

ALGERNON.
Lane’s views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders
don’t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them? They
seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.

[Enter Lane.]

LANE.
Mr. Ernest Worthing.

[Enter Jack.]

[Lane goes out.]

ALGERNON.
How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you up to town?

JACK.
Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring one anywhere? Eating as
usual, I see, Algy!

ALGERNON.
[Stiffly.] I believe it is customary in good society to take some
slight refreshment at five o’clock. Where have you been since last
Thursday?

JACK.
[Sitting down on the sofa.] In the country.

ALGERNON.
What on earth do you do there?

JACK.
[Pulling off his gloves.] When one is in town one amuses oneself.
When one is in the country one amuses other people. It is excessively
boring.

ALGERNON.
And who are the people you amuse?

JACK.
[Airily.] Oh, neighbours, neighbours.

ALGERNON.
Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?

JACK.
Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them.

ALGERNON.
How immensely you must amuse them! [Goes over and takes sandwich.] By
the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not?

JACK.
Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all these cups? Why cucumber
sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young? Who is
coming to tea?

ALGERNON.
Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.

JACK.
How perfectly delightful!

ALGERNON.
Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won’t quite
approve of your being here.

JACK.
May I ask why?

ALGERNON.
My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly
disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you.

JACK.
I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to town expressly to
propose to her.

ALGERNON.
I thought you had come up for pleasure? . . . I call that business.

JACK.
How utterly unromantic you are!

ALGERNON.
I really don’t see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic
to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal.
Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the
excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If
ever I get married, I’ll certainly try to forget the fact.

JACK.
I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially
invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.

ALGERNON.
Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in
Heaven—[Jack puts out his hand to take a sandwich. Algernon at once
interferes.] Please don’t touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are
ordered specially for Aunt Augusta. [Takes one and eats it.]

JACK.
Well, you have been eating them all the time.

ALGERNON.
That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt. [Takes plate from
below.] Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is for
Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter.

JACK.
[Advancing to table and helping himself.] And very good bread and
butter it is too.

ALGERNON.
Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it
all. You behave as if you were married to her already. You are not

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